


This also didn’t happen

by eastwood



Series: This Isn’t Happening [2]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: BFFs with Benefits, Humor, M/M, Modern AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:02:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23670499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eastwood/pseuds/eastwood
Summary: Sidebar of This Isn’t Happening
Relationships: Jesse McCree/Genji Shimada
Series: This Isn’t Happening [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704397
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	This also didn’t happen

**Author's Note:**

> Content Warning: Off label prescription drug use

> _**Jesse** 💚💚_  
>  _are u home_  
>  _i’vr got a problem_  
>  _Read 2:12 AM_
> 
> _?_  
>  _yeah come over_  
>  _Read 2:12 AM_

Genji is not a stranger to the sort of weird, secret, acutely personal troubles that only seem to crop up in the smallest hours, when it’s dark and empty and more socially normal solutions are closed for business. Getting these texts actually sparks a little pride in him. It’s a mark of trust, he likes to think, and maybe even proof of personal growth, that he can provide whatever might be required — a place to lay low for a while, or help coming down off a bad trip, or maybe just half a bar of Xanax and a shower and clean laundry. He’s done all of that for Jesse before, and wouldn’t consider turning him down now.

Except. When he opens his door to find Jesse looking stricken, as plaintive as a lost little two-hundred-pound lamb, Genji is prepared to offer his home and his bed and the clothes off his back, his open arms, his well stocked medicine cabinet, but the first thing Jesse says to him is, “I’ve got a vibrator. Stuck. In my ass.”

“Ha!” Genji says. “How the hell did that happen?”

“How the hell do you think,” Jesse says, sounding highly sarcastic, a tinge grumpy, and maybe even a little bit embarrassed under all that. Not at all his usual self.

Genji gets him inside, of course, and trails behind as Jesse goes first to the kitchen, namely to the bottle of vodka he knows is in the freezer.

“You can’t get it out?” Genji asks, leaning on the counter island with his elbows. He nods when Jesse holds up a second lowball glass from where he’s got the cabinet open.

“Nope,” Jesse says. He pours a hefty amount of vodka into each glass, enough to raise Genji’s eyebrow, especially when he takes his glass and throws it back like a shot. “Ah. It’s really in there.”

Genji hooks a finger over the rim of the other glass and drags it over to himself, moderately concerned that Jesse will move on to his share next. “Well did you try?”

Jesse, refilling his glass again but just by half, snorts. “Yeah I tried! Spent like half an hour tryin’a pull it out, squeeze it out, shit it out. The fuckin’ thing is stuck, that’s what said. I was hoping, you know, for some better ideas.”

Genji stops sipping his vodka and opens his mouth, but Jesse goes off again before he gets a chance: “And _don’t_ say go to the hospital, I’m not goin’ to the damn hospital until it’s downright necessary.”

“I wasn’t going to say that,” Genji tells him truthfully, a little surprised by the vehemence out of nowhere. Though now that Jesse mentions it, the hospital would probably be the most expedient solution. “But fine, hospital is off the table. We will try something else.”

“Ok,” Jesse says, sounding adequately mollified. His glass is empty again and so far he has yet to refill it. “Ok good. So how do I get it out?”

Genji studies him. Honestly Jesse looks frazzled, and Jesse doesn’t really do frazzled. Genji isn’t sure Jesse even knows how to handle being frazzled — besides going straight for the most convenient liquor, obviously — he is not that easy to shake.

“First you need to relax,” Genji decides. His initial impulse had been to get Jesse in the bed and just tell him to put his feet up and think of Reyes while Genji tries his own hand at the problem, but he gets the sense that’s not going to work if Jesse is really that keyed up about this. He swats Jesse’s hand away from the vodka bottle as it reaches automatically. “Hey, no more of that, I’ve got better stuff.”

He takes Jesse to the living room and makes him lie down on the long leather couch with a pillow to hug, and turns the TV onto some boring nature program, ordering him to wait while Genji puts some things together.

“How much have you had to drink tonight?” he asks when he comes back, to Jesse frowning slightly up at him.

“Dunno. Went out and got a little hammered then had a few more later. Now I’m just kinda buzzed.”

Genji flicks the second Valium out of his palm and back into the bottle. “Ok here take these,” he says, and hands over a nice little dosage of positive feelings and muscle relaxants. Jesse, bless his heart, never asks questions before throwing back pills, and Genji pats his shoulder while he drinks from the cup of water Genji gives him next. “Alright, let those do their magic and I’m going to fill up the bath. Once you soak a while you’ll be so loosened up that thing will fall right out.”

Jesse chuckles under his breath, and grins up at him. “Thanks sweetheart. You’re makin’ me feel better already.”

“Fair warning, I haven’t actually done this before. Just stay here and think happy thoughts.”

“Happy thoughts,” Jesse agrees, and Genji leans down to peck him on the forehead before he leaves.

By the time he comes back, Jesse is sprawled blissfully across the couch, one foot fallen off to the floor.

“Ready for bathtime?” Genji asks, prodding him into opening his eyes. Jesse looks properly blitzed when he manages it, grinning at him like a drunk loon. “Yeah I think you are.”

He shepherds Jesse over to the master bathroom, only bumping into a few walls and doors on the way, which is not too bad given that it’s like trying to steer a dump truck with a missing wheel.

Jesse laughs under his breath, and then he’s unhelpful but not trying to be as he fumbles along with Genji to get all his buttons and flies undone and his clothes off, before he goes for Genji’s clothes too like he’s forgotten the goal here. But it’s no skin off Genji’s back to let him tug on his shirt and make out a little in the hot steamy bathroom.

Eventually he gets Jesse in the tub properly, with a rolled up towel tucked behind his head and another one in the water under his butt so he won’t slide down and drown himself. It’s a nice deep tub, perfect for soaking and big enough for more than one person, but also, Genji suspects, very easy for Jesse to forget at the moment he’s supposed to be breathing air.

And with the way Jesse groans as he settles into the hot hot water up to his chest, and stretches out as much as he can (he’s still too big even for a big tub) with a sigh, he may be in danger of dozing off immediately.

“Keep your head out of the water,” Genji reminds him anyway, and Jesse drawls, “uh huh.”

So he ends up sitting on the floor next to the tub to make sure Jesse gets the right amount of soaking, and the right amount of drowning. Fifteen minutes, and none, respectively.

“You awake?” he asks, after growing bored with his phone and having nothing but silence otherwise, besides the occasional drip from the tap and quiet slosh of Jesse re-settling.

“Yup.”

“Feeling better?”

“Yyup,” Jesse says again, drawing the sound out long this time.

“Think you might want to try again in a little bit?”

“Yeah sure,” Jesse says.

Genji nods to himself, then finally asks, “So, how’d it get stuck anyway?”

“It jus’ went in. Like, pop,” Jesse answers, descriptively. “An’ then it was too far to reach.”

“You know, they make ones that won’t disappear up your ass. You should get one of those.” Genji is not aware of the contents of Jesse’s toy collection, but he may just offer to come by and inspect it for quality and function after this is resolved. Honestly, Jesse could’ve asked him in the first place before getting the first vibrator that caught his eye, which is probably exactly what happened.

“Guess so,” Jesse drawls agreeably. “You know any good ones?”

Genji turns to lean an arm on the edge of the tub and smirk at him. “I can show you what to get. You can take some of mine for a test drive, even.”

Jesse grins, waggles his eyebrows at him. “Bet you got the fancy ones.. vibrator by Ferrari.. that’d be outta my price range, darlin’.”

And Genji laughs and decides ok, if Jesse is feeling back to normal it's time to give this thing a real go.

Upon discussion, Genji agrees to leave the bathroom and let Jesse go through the solo routine he’d tried earlier, see if he has any luck this time. It’s already past three in the morning, so he also decides to get a pot of coffee started, just in case this takes a while. He’s just got the first cup ready in the hand when Jesse calls him back into the bedroom.

“It’s not working,” he complains, wet and naked and sitting on Genji’s bed.

“Here, have some coffee,” Genji says, and passes him the mug.

Jesse frowns down at it. “Is this supposed to help.”

“Yeah, why not. Caffeine has a _stimulating_ effect, you know.”

Jesse snorts, but doesn’t disagree.

“Alright then, next plan,” Genji says.

“Ok,” Jesse says, nose in the coffee mug. “What’s the next plan.”

He glances over the rim as Genji rolls up the sleeves of his long tee. He sighs.

“Ok fine.”

An hour later, or maybe more, it’s hard to keep track when busy, Jesse sprawls out on the floor and groans with relief like a man who’s happy to die. “Fucking Christ,” he wheezes.

Genji makes a tired grunt of commiseration, as he climbs into bed and sinks down to lie on his face. His shirt is gone, and so are his shorts. He wipes his hand on one of the many, slightly damp, towels that have made it onto the bed then shoves it off to the side.

After several minutes Jesse grunts, and then he’s dropping heavily into bed with him, almost bouncing him off the side as well.

“Is that what it’s like to have a baby,” Jesse asks, sounding dazed.

“Don’t think so,” Genji mumbles into the sheets. “Also, you just left your baby on the ground.”

“Eh,” Jesse says. “Fuck that thing.”

For a few more minutes, they just lie there crumpled and exhausted, both physically and psychologically. Then Jesse sighs deeply. “Darlin’. You know, I love you more than anythin’ right now, but can we forget this happened?”

“I will try,” Genji answers. “It was, unfortunately, memorable.”

Jesse groans again, faintly. “‘Fraid you might be right.”

Genji reaches out without opening his eyes, and pats him a few times with a clumsy hand. “Go to sleep Jesse.”

The next time Genji lifts his head and looks around, it’s morning. Jesse is still laid out next to him, buck naked on his belly, limbs spread wide at all angles and snoring quietly. Neither of them had made it under the sheets, and there are still damp towels piled up around them.

Genji twists around and rubs a hand through his hair, feeling like it’s the morning after a much wilder bender than reality, surveying the rest of the scene. Too early in the morning, judging by the light poking through his curtains, which only reveals more of the wreckage: additional towels, tissues, two different bottles of lube leaking onto his rug, and a single limp yellow dish glove in the middle of the room.

Ew.

He spies the culprit of the evening laying near his closet door. Cheerfully pink and small and innocent looking, despite its fiendish slippery ergonomic curves. Genji scowls at it for good measure. It had still been _buzzing_ when they’d gotten it out. He is not cleaning any of this up.

He turns around and shoves Jesse awake. “Hey. Why do you have a girl’s vibrator?”

Jesse snorts, and coughs, and flounders around in bed until he’s oriented himself before answering, “Huh?”

“Why did you get a _girl’s vibrator_ stuck in your ass?”

“S’not a girl’s vibrator,” Jesse says warily.

“It looks like one from where I’m sitting.”

Jesse takes a moment to squint around, until Genji helpfully points it out across the room.

“So what, it’s pink.”

“No, ugh Jesse, it’s obviously shaped for women.”

“Well it was for _my ass_ , so obviously it’s a _men’s_ vibrator,” Jesse argues.

Genji scoffs. “They’re not made for your ass, because _this_ happens. Don’t buy another one before I see it first, seriously.”

Jesse huffs at him, and crams his face back into the pillows, mumbling, “fine.” But then his head pokes up again. “Where’s my phone?”

“I don’t know, in the bathroom probably. Bring all these towels and shit with you.”

And Jesse grumbles and flops around some more, then grabs Genji around the middle to vengefully rub his unshaved face into his chest and bite at his shoulder, but after a few minutes of tussling he finally gets up and gathers an armful of towels before shambling into the bathroom to take a loud piss.

Genji gets up as well to join him after a few more minutes where Jesse doesn’t come out, wanting a shower, and finds him texting with a hip propped against the sink counter.

“It’s not even seven yet, who’s up?” he asks, cranking the hot water to full blast.

“Medical hotline,” Jesse says.

Genji pauses, eyeing him for a moment. He could be worried, but Jesse had assured him many, many times that he wasn’t hurting last night. And what the fuck kind of hotline did texting. Why did he mention that, specifically.

Jesse smirks a little, looking at his phone, then glances up and sees Genji watching him. “Nah I’m just kiddin’, I’m fine.”

Genji, stopped dead with only one foot in the shower, stares. “Jesse. Was that Angela’s vibrator.”

“What?” Jesse cries, blanching. “No!”

“Oh my fucking god! Since when?! And you didn’t say anything!” Genji gasps. “ _Traitor_.”

Jesse looks chastised by that, but says, “It’s not like it’s a thing,” with the hint of a whine, and pulling that hangdog look on him, entreating forgiveness.

“No,” Genji says firmly, “I don’t want to see you again until I am clean and there’s no lube on my floor and I’ve got a very expensive coffee in my hand. So get started.” And then he steps fully in the shower and shuts the glass door on Jesse’s face, perhaps less effective than a non-transparent door, but it does make Jesse leave the bathroom, appropriately contrite and frowning.

Honestly, it’s just not fair. Yes they’d both gotten around to almost everyone, but Genji had thought they’d been on the same side here, namely mooning after Angela and getting nowhere. He would have to grill Jesse about how he managed it later.

He takes his sweet time showering, and cleaning his teeth, and attending to his eyebrows, and even his moisturizing routine though he hardly ever remembers to do it more than a handful of times a month. But it has the intended effect — when he emerges into his bedroom all evidence from last night has been tidied away, including the lube on the rug, and even the bed is made. He gets dressed and continues on; in the kitchen, waiting for him on the counter, is the biggest coffee frappe money can buy.

Jesse is there too, staring at his phone and munching on a bagel sandwich.

“Ok,” Genji says, “you are forgiven. But you still owe me.”

“You’re my hero,” Jesse says with his mouth full, then swallows. “And the best friend I’ve got. And I’ll delete your brother’s number if you promise not to tell anyone anything.”

Genji pulls the paper off the end of his frappuccino’s straw and takes a test sip. Acceptable. “As if I would, now. It’s her reputation on the line.”

“Thanks, sugar,” Jesse says dryly, but he’s smiling. “Knew I could count on you.”

Genji doesn’t bother tamping down the pleasure making him puff up a bit. He does deserve it after all that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
